he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
