WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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