I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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