the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
