I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
