...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
