never play flip cup with pint glasses
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
