Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
