oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
