I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize