So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
