cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
