So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize