FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
