this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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