I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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