On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
