someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
