I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
