new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
