party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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