I just threw up on my dentist
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
