I haven't been this sober since birth.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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