he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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