I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
