Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
