I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
