i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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