i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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