I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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