Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
