i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Actions speak louder than pants.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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