I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
