Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
