had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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