Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
