Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
