oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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