singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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