if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
