Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
