i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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