drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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