Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
