Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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