hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
