my phone needs a breathalizer
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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