I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
