Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
