from now on my penis is your penis
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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