we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
