Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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