I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
