Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
