Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
