If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
