Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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