fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
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