i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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