Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Randomize
