my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
