They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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